Things my mom taught me:
Always hold the door.
Give your seat to older people.
Always smile at children, because those little humans can see your soul.
Don’t be rude to someone who’s older than you, because they are wiser than you. Don’t treat someone like they’re ignorant because they are from a different generation. They still can teach you something about life.
Don’t be rude to someone just because they don’t know how to read, or speak, or because they’re gay or sick. Just don’t hate people for things that you can’t control.
People can be different, but we all die alone, and our bodies rot. We don’t take our money when we die. We leave everything and everyone behind. We are all human beings. We all have blood and guts. Our skin, eyes, sexuality, hair, opinions, talents, they can all be different, but we’re still the same inside.
We are part of nature. No matter how much we distance ourselves from it.
Everyone can change the world.
Listen to everything. Learn from everyone. Be quiet when you don’t have anything to say. Always speak when you have something to say.
Don’t be what other people want you to be, and learn how to defend yourselves from the ones that put you down when they are rude and offensive because you’re different.
Life is not perfect. No one is. But the world, and the people in it are amazing.
Love your family. You will need them one day, and you will look like them when you grow up, no matter how much you hate the way they are.
Be nice to your neighbours.
Don’t abuse animals. Don’t abuse people.
Your friends are your second family.
Bring food or flowers when you go to someone’s house. Ice cream, anything. Surprise people with nice things, they will like it.
And this is my own advice: always tell the people you love how much they mean to you.
Some lessons about depression
What if I don’t think I am bipolar?
What if I don’t think I am depressed or anti social?
What if I think that these words don’t fit me,
and that I can’t be described by your bullshit?
I am more than a diagnose you gave me,
I am more complex than this.
I am not defined by a word, or by a disease.
I am human, and like you, I am complicated,
but that is not up for being debated.
Stop starring at my scars, we can talk about it,
once you forget all your prejudice.
Maybe it’s time that you got over it,
Maybe it’s time for you to move on and forget it.
Somehow, I think you are the one that should grow up
When you try to tell me how much I have screwed up.
Maybe, I could give you an advice,
About how hard it is to sleep at night,
And waking up feeling the weight of the world on your shoulders.
Someday, you will have to understand that life isn’t easy
Not just for a few of us
but for everyone;
We all struggle everyday, so don’t pretend that you are fighting a bigger battle
And stop trying to rescue me, like a princess in her castle.
Please, just treat me like I’m human,
Please, understand that I am so much more than this disease,
That I am capable, strong and beautiful,
Yes, sometimes it’s hard for me to stand still,
Yes, sometimes it’s hard for me to float above this;
but you and I are in the same sinking ship,
going through the same shit.
And you should see that for all of us, everyday is about survival,
It’s not about a 8 hour day job, or about a spiritual fight
This is just a matter of being alive.
Don’t know why, but I want to be naked. To take all my clothes out, all my make up, my fears, my masks, I want to take it all away. And just be me, completly free and clean. I want to be naked, body and soul. I want someone to see me, all of me. Everything there is to be seen in me. I want to feel the freedom of being myself, and to show the good and also the bad in me.
I want someone to notice that I have a scars in my legs, and arms. Scars in my heart, and in my mind. I want to be seen as a person, a whole person. Not a girl, a teenager, a student, a body; but a person. I’m not the pieces people see, I am a complete human being. I want them to see how pale my body is, how my toes are ugly and the tiny beauty spots in my skin; the roots of hair growing in it’s natural color, while the rest is still dyed. I want all the imperfections to be seen, as much as I want to show the beauty in me. And I want to be loved for all of me.
And sometimes I feel so lonely
And I remember things from you and me
This we keep in between
Between our legs, and our eyes and teeth
Thinking that I don’t care as long as I can keep you
I don’t give a single shit to other people
I just need to know that somehow you are my home
And I wanna love you forever and sing you songs
Even if I sing so out of tune.
Nesse momento, as coisas chegaram num nível de estresse que eu vou ter que ligar o foda-se pra muita coisa. É impossível lidar com tanta pressão e ansiedade. Eu vou tirar, de novo, um tempo para mim. Me reciclar. E me preocupar com o que é importante, e só com isso. Eu ia fazer esse texto em iniglês, como sempre, mas sei que em português eu faço mais sentido. No momento estou me odiando muito, não só a mim, mas também odeio o presente. Eu queria muito sair correndo, e recomeçar. No fim, eu tenho que conviver com o fato de que eu realmente não tenho (quase) nada a perder.
E isso, sinceramente, me deixa infeliz. Essa vida não é como o Clube da luta, onde o Tyler me diz que eu só posso ser livre depois de perder tudo. Eu só levo a vida a sério se eu tiver um motivo. Eu quero viver por alguns motivos, e não sei que tipo de liberdade as outras pessoas querem, mas eu quero a liberdade de pertencer a tudo.
Eu quero ir em todos os lugares, e conhecer todas as pessoas. Quero dar um beijo em um italiano, e conversar com um francês. Quero abraçar minha avó. Queria perguntar ao meu pai por que ele nunca gostou de mim. Queria bater na cara da minha tia, e chamar minha prima de puta. Queria dizer pra minha madrinha que se eu pudesse, eu sumiria com toda a dor dela. Diria pro meu primo ficar sempre longe da água, porque se você tivesse mais medo, não teria morrido assim. Eu sei que nem sempre estive por perto. A verdade é que eu raramente estou por perto, mas isso não diminui o amor que eu tenho.
Eu queria pedir desculpa para quem eu magoei, e eu sei que são muitas pessoas.
E eu não quero viver querendo tanta coisa e nunca tê-las. Eu quero amar todo mundo e quero o colo da minha mãe pra sempre. Eu também preciso de perdão. Porque eu não quero morrer com arrependimento. Morrer já é triste o suficiente quando você não tem pendências com ninguém. Morrer sabendo que você não fez nada de bom na sua vida é mais doloroso ainda.
Sim. Estou viva, e não tenho medo de morrer. Tenho medo de não viver.
This one is from me to you. It’s not a song or a famous poem. It’s anonymous. It’s just between us. These words are only for you. These words don’t come from Ed Sheeran, they won’t ever be as good as his. They don’t come from Mumford and sons, because I can’t even play the guitar.
But they come from my heart, and that’s all I can give. My heart. Myself. Me. Lívia Gusmão. That tall, weird girl; the one who talks too much and doesn’t know much about life. This is pretty much who I am, as being tall defines me really well. Everything in me is big, my heart, my sense of humor, my anger, my passion, my sadness. It all gets out of proportion, and it grows more than I expected. That said, I’m all over the place. But more than that, I want to be all over you. I want to be yours, even though I don’t know how to give myself to people, but I’m open for trying so.
As much as I want to give myself to you, I want to keep you to myself. I don’t expect anything else from myself but trying to make you happy. That’s my mission, to make you smile. These words are from me to you. This is me giving myself to you. Please let me be yours.
I am hers and she is mine, and she’ll have my heart forever. You’re mine and I’m and yours to keep. You are the light in my dark thoughts, you are the dreams of falling asleep in your arms. You are my love, and you are the hope that keeps me sane. You are the promise of a better day, coming soon. You are the girl from my present, and you are the one I want to love in the future. You are the one.
I’ll have to let you go
Cause I’m afraid this pain will only get old.
Where have you gone?
Left me here all alone.
You know I can’t sleep in the dark
Without you to hold me in your arms.
Without you to hold me in your arms.
